How Not To:

How Not to Replace Your Shitty Old Camper's Shitier Old Awnings

Episode 1

Ok so this is a new thing I'm trying where I do something ill-advised and walk you through the process until the project is either complete(ly fucked up) or abandoned. Back to the awnings.

Step 1. Go to Fabricland. Snoop around oohing and ahhing, scope out the deals on drapes and outdoor upholstery fabrics. Decide both (albeit the deals are 69%off) are too rich for your blood. Dive into the 'ends' bin with gusto and pull out a hulking 4m of amazing quality vinyl. So good that even though you know it's not you look to the left and right and do a secret smell test just to make sure it's not leather. Buy this on impulse and leave the store

Step 1.5 Renew your 2 yrs expired Fabricland membership just to take advantage of this sweet deal.

Step 2. Think about drapes and outdoor fabric for approx. 5-7 days. Play with your vinyl, unfolding it, holding it up to things, bringing home paint chips to see how the colours 'go' etc.

Step 3. Return to Fabricland. Consider some items but make no commitments, who do these people think they are with these prices anyways?

Step 4. Happen across a table marked 'sheirs & drapery' full of flimsy see thruough fabrics marked down to $3. Discover the jackpot. Grey-ish brown heavy woven fabric - an entire bolt for $3/m!! Fibre content unknown. Decide to try a few meters as an awning to see if it will work before you commit to the entire bolt.

Step 5. Wait at the cutting table for like, 5 minutes. Nobody comes. Decide to try rolling your eyes while avoiding eye contact with any bystanders. Works. Bitchy older lady named Fern who has been standing at the cash the entire time asks if you need anything. Consider saying no I'm just standing here with my fabric on the cutting table for no reason but don't. Just say 'yes please'. Initially ask for 4 m, then 3, then 6, and then go for the whole damned thing. The whole 9 meters if you will.

Step 6. Smile when the total comes to less than $50 remembering the quote you got on an awning for thousands of dollars.

Step 8. Go to Zellers to buy the sewing needles that you forgot to get at Fabricland. Wonder if the machine you bought at a junk store weeks ago in Hope, BC will even work while you wait patiently behind the lady with oxygen at the cash register. She probably bought denture glue.

Step 9: Drive home quickly, begin a different project all together

Step 10. get sick of that shit and start measuring awnings. Won't detach from the hardware on the trailer? Just rip that shit down.

Step 11. On rotten picnic table at your campsite lay out old, ripped up awning and huge bolt of fabric. Draw and diagram the shit awning wiht measurements.

Step 12. Spend the next hour or so cutting a piece off of your bolt into a perfect square that should (fingers crossed) work out to be the same as the original awning

(please nothe there will be a near fatal accident with your husbands $1000 dollar bike which had the misfortune of being parked under previously mentioned shitty awning. This would have resulted in a double homicide - the bike and yourself... possibly involving use of the bike)

Step 13. Pour yourself a drink to take the edge off. Not too much - you still have to go and ride your horse... ok, well a little more than that! Pair it (Gin &OJ) with the leftover cottage cheese in your fridge and be pleasantly surprised.